FM’s Union Budget Speech 2012-13 leaked!

To round off the pre-budget series here is a light-hearted mock Budget speech

Madam Speaker,
I rise to present the Union Budget for 2012-13
We are reaching the end of a remarkable fiscal year. In a globalised world with its share of uncertainties and rapid changes, this year brought us some opportunities and many challenges as we moved ahead with steady steps on the chosen path of fiscal consolidation and high economic growth.
Our growth in 2111-12 has been very good. All industries have shown great growth. We have witnessed over 15% growth and are truly shining as the world's best economy
We have been able to keep inflation at a low of 0.2% all through the year
Overview of the Economy
The Economy has been in healthy condition and shows great promise for the year ahead. We have made great progress in Agriculture and Industry and our monetary policies have ensured that the economy has been robust. The external sector has shown great promise with 70% of revenues coming from Exports. Exports have grown at 180% and imports have reduced by 10%
Tax reforms
What started in 2010 in the form of DTC has been sustained and all the recommendations have been implemented in the last fiscal.
Subsidies
We have reached a stage where all kinds of subsidies for food, fuel etc have been made nil. The negative cash flows have been arrested and we are not at the mercy of opposition parties when planning a price hike.
People's ownership of PSU's
As planned, all government companies have been made truly public. The disinvestment we started in 1991 has culminated in the last year with the Parliament too being Privatized.
NUEGA — National Urban Employment Guarantee Act
With the great boost given to economy by the rural sector, the old scheme (NREGA) has been abolished and NUEGA has been proposed to ensure that Urban youth without jobs can be given jobs in villages!
Sarva Shiksha Abhiyaan
With making education free for all from KG to PhD we have been able to ensure that quality education is given free to all. In fact we have even given free education to over 10 million children from America, United Kingdom and Australia. We are renaming it as Sarva Rasthra Shiksha Abiyaan to help children from the 3^rd world countries in the American and European continents!
Health
Our one hospital every kilometer scheme has helped reduce mortality to a great extent. The average Indian male now is alive for 140 years and the female 150 years.
Financial inclusion
What was started in 2010 has resulted in every, yes, every Village in India having at least 3 bank branches and one international bank branch. Every citizen has virtual cash devices to make expenses wirelessly even to buy milk!
PART - B
Madam Speaker,
I shall now present my tax proposals.
Last year I provided relief to individual taxpayers by broadening the tax slabs. To take us closer to DTC rates, I propose to enhance the exemption limit for the general category of individual taxpayers from Rs 200 crores to Rs 210 crores this year.
Senior citizens (those above 90 years of age) need not pay any tax irrespective of their income.
To boost luxury car sales, aircraft sales, luxury yacht sales, diamond sales etc it is proposed that investments upto Rs 50 crores in any of these investments can be used for gaining tax exemption.
It is also decided that since the whole public sector is now private, all citizens will have an equally share of the country's income. Our rough estimates put this at around Rs crore per citizen for the last year. We will use the Aadhar numbers to disperse this dividend.
VII. Indirect Taxes
I shall now turn to my indirect tax proposals.
We will continue to maintain Central Excise at 90% and VAT at 0.1%. We estimate this measure to fetch Rs. 10768896 Billion to the Government coffers
I am feeling very low to announce that corporate income tax will have to be raised by 1% to 1.5%. We will try to roll this back if the CEOs of companies oppose by doing drastic measures like 1 hour hartals. Else, we can impose the new rates.
Infrastructure
Now that we have six lane roads in every single village and an airport for every talk, I propose to support the Industry by letting them build roads and airports in our neighboring countries. All infrastructure projects executed outside India will get a subsidy of 50% from the government. I find it very tiresome when I visit some of these countries and have to drive by road.
Service tax
To promote the "Service" motto given to us by our forefathers I have increased the service tax to minus 29%
As the greatest economy in the world, with a voice on the global stage, India stands at the threshold of a century, which will once again be ours. With oneness of heart, let us all build an India, which in not too distant a future, will enter the comity of most developed nation in the Universe (adding the 17^th planet with humans recently found).
Madam Speaker, with these words, I commend the Budget to the House.